Email Exchanges 2000

JANUARY 2000The Chicago Exhaustive Irresponsibility Parade
Anne Checking into renting minivan at Ohare, just in case. Looks like we could get a minivan for the weekend for about $120. Can try to get Bob to come get us at airport. Sounded like he may not have enough room. Will verify this & see if he and anyone else can fit us all in. So far haven't found info on supershuttle-type transport your thoughts on any of this?
Brian I think we may have to rent something. With 7 people and the instruments and baggage, I can't see how Bob could get us around. Post show equipment and people shuttling may also be tough without an extra vehicle. All that said, I wouldn't be opposed to trying it without a rental. It may be fun to be more thoroughly thrown into Chicago via our need to enlist the help of strangers.
Hugh I think rental's the way to go for all the reasons Brian mentioned below (and a bunch he would never have thought of in a million years, which I'll spare you all since the ones even Brian could see are sufficient). I'm less flexible on the matter of throwing ourselves at the mercy of Chicagoans, as most of them smell funny. I believe it comes from living so close to Wisconsin and having a lot of leather and udders in their diet.
Jay I'm afraid the plan to rent a van doesn't really fit in well with "Exhaustive Irresponsibility"--the recipe for success in the music business. It's true that all we may have to look forward to in the future is the "has-been" corner, we still might want to reconsider this van rental business and try to recapture the spirit of youth (by being as much of a burden on others as possible).
Mark To really push the irresponsibility envelope, I think we should not bother taking the flight to Chicago - it's too much work and coordination to get ourselves to the airport with our equipment, etc. Let's just call Lounge Ax Friday night and tell them we haven't left yet and could they find some way to get us out there in time. If we do decide to knuckle under and be good little unsuccessful musicians, though, I would lean toward the mini-van option, assuming we can indeed get one for $120. I wonder though: can we fit seven people plus equipment and personal bags all in one minivan? I think the cost of renting two vehicles would be prohibitive.
Jay Judging from our mini-van, I think we can get everyone and all the stuff in. It'll be tight, but it can be done. Renting more than one would be irresponsible, and since we've decided to be "good little unsuccessuful musicans" we're not allowed to have any of the fun of being a relentless burden on others and blowing more money than reason allows. Therefore, we're forced to rent only one.
Brian When I said I thought we should rent a minivan, I was thinking of one for each of us - not one for all of us. I really think it looks bad for us to arrive at the show together in one "minivan". Separate arrivals look much more mysterious, especially if the first of us arrives very, very late and each subsequent arrival is an eternity later than the one before it. This will create more excitement than any of our poochy songs ever could. I also just decided that minivans are not good enough. I wonder if its too late to get Bob to make a nice parade-style float for each of us. He could depict scenes from each person's life on their individual floats. We could send him a list of ideas - or! He could just do the research himself. I'm sure he'd be thrilled!
Mark I would still like Bob to do extensive research on my life, but I'd also like to suggest to him a scene he could use to make my float. The time in junior high when I hadn't eaten anything and I sprinted over to my friend's house and rang the doorbell. As I was waiting, huffing and puffing, I blacked out from lack of oxygen and fell off the porch into the bushes next to the house. When I came to, my mom just happened to be walking by and saw me and wondered what the hell I was doing laying in the neighbor's bushes.
OR he could depict the time I was riding in the back of a pickup and the back gate flipped open and I fell out and landed on my head. This would be a pretty easy float for Bob - he could just get a pickup with the gate hanging open and have a mannequin dragging behind it on its head. Otherwise he'd have to grow a hedge and build the facade of my friend's house, which might be too much to finish in four days.
Hugh As long as Bob's going to all that trouble, I think I'll have him make me a scale model of the Hindenburg instead of a float. It can await me at the airport, filled with hydrogen just like the original! Once I'm over the Lounge Ax I can light up a delicious ciggie, thus igniting the hydrogen and blowing myself and my Hindenberg to smithereens. Now THAT's way more impressive than any of our poochy songs.
Jay I'm going to ask Bob to construct a float shaped like a massive bong covered with millions of itty bitty pieces of revolving undulating colored glass. When I spark it up with my lasers, warm and focused streams of skunk-weed smoke will be available to anyone who wants to come forward and stick their head in a soft sphincter shaped "head rush area." After taking many wrong turns on the parade route we'll finally get to the club, and fulfill the promise of everyone having the urge to poop their drawers at exactly the same time--and then doing it!!! Then and only then can we truly say "we are one" but instead of raising our fists in the air, we'll fall on the ground and wiggle, pretending we like the poop, then pretending we don't like it. Bob will never be as happy as he will be Friday night.

FEBRUARY 2000The Bob and Larry Togetherness Thingie
Hugh You know, we could push it in the long-ass title department. Something like: Bob Dinners and Larry Noodles Present: The Tubby Turdner Celebrity Avalanche, Featuring The Thinking Fellers Union Local 282
or we could get really carried away: Bob Dinners and Larry Noodles Present: The Tubby Turdner Celebrity Avalanche, Featuring The Thinking Fellers Union Local 282 Playing Selections From Their Magnum Opus, "Sunset On Hair Mountain"
"Sunset On Hair Mountain" is off the top of my head and arbitrary; it could be selections from some other magnum opus. The main idea, aside from pushing things way too far with the long-assishness of title, is to imply with "...Selections From..." that there's actually MORE that people aren't getting.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, however, is this:
If you mention Bob Dinners, you HAVE to mention Larry Noodles. There's no getting around it. They're a universal, eternal dyad, like yin and yang: complementary and inseparable. I'm not trying to be autocratic or didactic by saying "have to", because it's not up to me. It's just the way it is. I don't decide these things.
A sense of urgency may be in order if we're to be the first to reveal the Bob and Larry Togetherness Thingie, though. My sources in the physics community inform me that some of their colleagues have recently hypothesized what they rather coldly refer to as "The Dinners/Noodles Inseparability Principle", and will be publishing their findings shortly. This is a golden opportunity for us to scoop those lousy physicists for once, instead of the other way around.
Mark Hugh, your analysis is coming from a purely scientific perspective, and as such falls prey to the usual fate of such analyses, which is to leave out crucial elements that don't fit neatly into the scientific paradigm. If you examine this from a more theological standpoint, certain things become clear. Namely, how can Bob and Larry have a "duality" which leaves out Tubby? That's like talking about the Son and the Holy Ghost without mentioning the Father!
While scientists scramble to be the first to propose the Dinners/Noodles Inseparability Principle, theologians will knowingly chuckle and remind us of a concept that's been around since time immemorial: the Holy Trinity.
Hugh No, no, no... I'm most definitely NOT looking at this from a scientific standpoint. It's the lousy physicists who are trying to do that.
Nor am I looking at it from a dualistic standpoint, as dualism implies mutually exclusive, opposing agencies or choices: light versus dark, good versus evil, God versus Satan, Heaven or Hell, Bob Dinners versus Larry Noodles, etc.
I'm looking at the Bob and Larry Togetherness Thingie from an eastern, metapahysical standpoint. Like yin and yang (which I mentioned), they are interconnected and inseparable; complements of one another, not opposites. In fact, the yin and yang symbol serves as a good visual representation of their relationship: Bob Dinners is one of the comma-shaped halves, and Larry Noodles is the other, fitting together like pieces of a puzzle, inextricable from eachother. You can't remove or eliminate either of the puzzle pieces because if you do, you still have its shape folding into the remaining half.
As for Tubby Turdner... his presence in all of this is implicit, even though I didn't mention him explicitly. They work on his show, he's the Big Cheese, so he obviously has to be accounted for. Using the yin and yang mandala as a visual metaphor once again: Tubby's the entire circle, within which the two complementary, comma-shaped puzzle pieces of Bob Dinners and Larry Noodles fit. Or, Father (Tubby), Son and Holy Ghost, if you must put it in a Christian framework.
I hope that clears it all up.
Mark Maybe we should get someone to take some shots of us on a talk show set. It might produce a good back cover or inside booklet shot, and if Gary needed any promo shots for the album he could use something from that. I don't know if he's going to promote this thing or not, but it might help show that we're familiar with the talk show circuit - he might be able to get us some spots that way. For instance, if Oprah or Larry King were told that we had already appeared on Tubby Turdner's Celebrity Avalanche and received proof (the photos), they might be more inclined to give us a slot on their show, to prevent getting "scooped" by Turdner. P.S. If a gardener tends his gardens, then does a Turdner tend his turds?
Anne Mark, I LOVE that idea! who would be the host? or would one of us be? I just imagined a series of shots where it's each one of us with the host, with various levels of hilarity or confusion or boredom being acted out.
Damn! now if only there was a way to work the "New York Knob or No?" show into this. But that's probably overkill. Now to get Gibbs to do a short movie version...mind you, this is just all for my own entertainment; I don't care if anyone else sees it.
Hugh Can't Gary get us on The Mike Douglas Show? Or, better yet, Merv Griffin? Hell, Pablo Cruise got on Merv back in the day. Maybe we could score some brownie points by surprising Merv with a "Fellerized" rendition of "On and On." (You know: "Down in Jamaica they've got lots of pretty women...") He used to sing that song at the drop of a hat and this could be our big chance to take him on a nostalgia trip down memory lane. Seems to me we're way past due for taking SOME celebrity on a nostalgia trip down memory lane.
Of course, the ultimate goal of getting a spot on one of these lesser talk shows is to heighten our profile and become celebrities in our own right. Otherwise, we'll never get invited onto Tubby Turdner's Celebrity Avalanche. (It's not called Tubby Turdner's Avalanche of Nobodies, after all.)
Something I thought of last night... whenever it's his turn to come on and be in the spotlight, Larry Noodles is introduced by "The Larry Noodles Chorus" (his signature song, of course). Then it occurred to me that there's no reason I couldn't record "The Larry Noodles Chorus." Then I became afraid.
That also made me start re-thinking Larry Noodles' place in the scheme of things. Instead of being a co-sidekick of Tubby's, along with Bob Dinners, I think Larry should be a frequent mega-celebrity guest on the Avalanche. Perhaps not a "supernova in the celebrity firmament," like Tubby, but right up there. Certainly bigger than your Arnold Schwarzeneggers and Tom Cruises.
Mark I sense some revisionist history going on here. As I recall, Larry Noodles was Bob Dinners sidekick when Bob pulled away from Tubby to do his own show. Now Hugh is not only calling him a "co-sidekick" of Tubby's (come on, man!), but a "mega-celebrity". Hugh, I think your infatuation with Larry is clouding your understanding of the facts.
Hugh The anagramatic Tubby Turdner:
Burny Red Butt
Burt B. Mud-Entry
Butter, by durn
U R My Nutterbud
Jay More anagrams:
Larry Noodles: Larry Old Nose
Bob Dinners = Inbred Snob
Anne I suddenly wondered if Larry Noodles was actually the bandleader sidekick guy. Like Doc Severenson or whatever his name was. Or like Paul Schaeffer. Or Max Weinberg, really.
Hugh Long as history's being revised:
Anne's got the right idea: Bob Dinners is the "Ed McMahon" and Larry Noodles is the "Doc Severenson" of the Celebrity Avalanche. For some reason I was thinking last night it would be a problem to work in "The Larry Noodles Chorus" if he was part of the show. Why I thought that I don't know. It could be used any time (and every time) Larry's introduced, addressed, or even alluded to. Him being the band leader makes it even better, especially if he and The Larry Noodles TV Orchestra are accompanied by The Larry Noodles TV Singers. (After all, somebody's got to sing those choruses of "Larry Noodles, Larry Noodles...")
An eventual split with Tubby is something that will happen down the road. One of the reasons being that Bob's constantly sustaining grievous injuries on the show from various things gone awry. That, and because he doesn't get a theme song. Tubby has "Tubby's Theme" (a fast-paced version of "Barry's Theme" densely packed with incident) and, of course, Larry has his eponymous Chorus. Maybe Larry's reason for leaving will be that he thinks he's becoming a mega-celebrity and is tired of being eclipsed by Tubby, when in reality his fame is Tubby's fame reflected.
What follows is a succession of unsuccessful shows: Bob Dinners and Larry Noodles and Famous Friends, The All Rightee Tightee Late Nightee Program with Bob Dinners and Larry Noodles, Dinners and Noodles at Night, Dinners and Noodles in the Morning, Breakfast with Dinners and Noodles, Dinners and Noodles for Lunch at Noon, Afternoon Delight with Bob Dinners and Larry Noodles, The All Rightee Tightee Afternoon Delightee Afternoon Variety and Interview Show with Bob Dinners and Larry Noodles...
The final blow comes with the resounding lack of interest in their screenplay, a star vehicle for themselves called "My Dinners with Larry," which is just the two of them sitting at a stained and faded linoleum-topped table in the dingy kitchen of the shabby apartment they have to share, complaining enviously about Tubby and his success, as they get progressively more shitfaced and bitter.
They hit rock bottom and have to go crawling back to Tubby and are hired back at greatly reduced salaries.
Meanwhile, Tubby's gotten one of his mistresses to fill in as sidekick. Her patented line whenever Tubby makes a self-deprecating joke about his weight is, "Oh, Tubby -- you're such a beanpole!"
Brian Hugh, this History you've got here is missing an important fact: Bob Dinners does have a theme song. Back in '91, Bob threatened to quit the "Avalanche" unless he too had a theme song to punctuate his witty comebacks. Larry Noodles, seeing a great opportunity to show the world his immense skill at complex composition, point and counter-point, and swilling (sp?) melody, immediately volunteered his services. Drawing inspiration from Bob Dinners' history of disastrous/ridiculous career decisions, Larry composed "Bob's Too Late For Dinners (again)" - (he thought this title was more forgiving than his first idea "Buffoon Buffet"). Larry had included into this song virtually everything he had ever learned about music.
The first time it was played on the air was October 2, 1991. As Bob took the stage, an exhausted Larry Noodles motioned for the band to start Part 1 of the opus and Larry, physically destroyed by months of desperate effort on the piece, stepped up to the mic and croaked out 20 minutes of the most hideous, unlistenable, unforgivable, dreck that had ever been produced. When Larry fell unconscious after a long stretch of particularly strenuous howling, the band, now in tears, refused to stop and so went on to finish the other twelve parts of the piece.
Bob Dinners tried to maintain his composure throughout the performance, but eventually his face became fixed in a mask of horror. Tubby laughed through the whole ordeal. It took several years for the public to want to see any of them again.
Hugh What a sad story. It's worse than having never had a theme song. Worse yet... Larry later tries to make up for the debacle you describe by composing a beautiful anthem to serve as Bob's theme song. In a cruel twist of fate, on the very day Larry plans to debut the just-completed song on the air, Bob is killed (along with the entire studio audience) when a crazed celebrity guest runs amok in a tank. This moving tribute, entitled "Call Me Anything But Late For Bob Dinners," is played for the first and only time at Bob's funeral.
Brian I firmly believe that this is our generation's most tragic story- no matter how funny Tubby, Redbut, Mud-Entry may think it is.
Hugh I prefer to think of the happy moments, instead of Bob being blown to smithereens by a tank cannon, then having his few remaining pitiful remnants ground to mush under the treads.
Brian I agree. I think there should be no mention of Bob's death. What death? Who's dead? Nobody is dead!
Mark I think I remember seeing "My Dinners with Larry" a few years back - it was on in the 3 am slot of one of the lesser local TV stations. Apparently no one would buy the script as a star vehicle for Bob and Larry, but they were able to sell it by getting Don Rickles and Don Knotts to play their parts. The scene that sticks in my mind came after a long bout of united vicious complaining about Tubby. One of them said something that implied that the other was Tubby's favorite. They started to turn on each other, each one accusing the other of being in cahoots with Tubby, getting special favors from Tubby, scheming with Tubby to keep the other one down, etc. Push came to shove, and Larry grabbed from a nearby shelf a trophy Bob had received from Tubby, which was shaped like a woodchuck and bore the inscription "Tubby Buddy #1". Larry swung the trophy at Bob, screaming "Turdnoser!" Bob luckily was able to duck, and the trophy smashed into a bottle of bourbon, which shattered into bits. Larry's aging parrot "Nob-Nob" became agitated by the commotion and broke out into an excited squawking jumbled medley of the Larry Noodles Chorus and Tubby's Theme. Bob and Larry then both collapsed into blubbering sobs, realizing that once again Tubby had trumped them by driving a wedge between them.
Hugh This is interesting. The version of "My Dinners With Larry" that I saw starred Bob Denver and Bob Newhart. The real Bob and Larry must have felt betrayed by Hollywood, having been passed over for their own star vehicle not just once, but twice.
In other TV news: There's a rumor going around that the people responsible for "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?" are planning to capitalize on its success by having Regis Philbin host "New York Nob Or No." I'd rather see one of the classic '70s gameshow hosts get the job (Richard Dawson, Gene Rayburn, Chuck Barris or Burt Convey), but on the other hand, I'm just glad they're finally getting NYNON off the ground at all.
Did anybody see Ed McMahon on Conan O'Brien last night? I tried to stay up to watch it, but fell asleep on the couch. Damn.
Anne I think there should be a spin-off game show, New York Knob or No: Versiones Spectacularos!!, that needs to be hosted--and entirely staffed-- by people who only speak and understand Spanish, but know how to clearly ask "New York Knob or no?" The guests need to be non-Spanish speakers, and, ideally all from different countries(or planets!!), so no one can understand anyone else.
Brian Here's a pretty amazing coincidence: There was actually a '30s film titled "Dinners at Noodles" which starred Marlene Dietrich and a very fresh Adolf Hitler. It was a great example of Germany's then very crappy idea of "fact vs fantasy" in big city cocktail society. There's this scene where Marlene is sitting moist-eyed on the fire escape singing "Der Fluss Verschlacken" (slag-river). I really don't like this scene. It sounds like she's burping her way through an already very-ugly song. That, and her ham-fisted accordian playing, makes it pretty tough identify with her reflective melancholy. She hangs around outside this greasy noodle place, wishing she could have all the greasy noodles in the world. Then, finally, after all this rotten crap, she ends up with Adolf Hitler!
Hugh Betcha the "greasy noodle" Marlene was most interested in was Adolf's.

 Should We Move to Anne and Rick's Studio?
Brian I am not moving to "fucking" Anne & "fucking" Rick's crappy practice space! Rick has been blossoming into the fattest, wettest turd I've ever made the mistake of stepping into - and Anne has been backing him up!
Please be sure to leave Anne's address off the "To:"list when sending your vehement concurrences!
Mark When I respond to Anne earlier I was trying not to hurt her feeling, but now that it's just between us guys, I can tell you that ever since I visit Eeeww Studio last week, I hadn't been able to get the stink out of my nostrils. Whoa! Fuck That! If I am going to leave my thing there I am going to need a stench-proof container for them - I don't know will they be offenbed by that or not?
Rick was tried to get me to share a sandwich with him in that stinkhole. Can you believe that. I wont let my shit sit in that shit pit with those twits!!!

 Freddie Resurrected
Hugh I'm with Anne on the -----. I still say fuck 'em. ----- is not only too small, it both sucks and blows. Damn -- There really aren't too many decent options these days for live performance in SF. Such a sucky, pathetic club scene anymore. Fuck rock. I'm glad we're retiring. I'd much rather dedicate myself to sitting around working on increasing my mass substantially; watching tv, getting baked, drinking beer and gorging on fattening little cholesterol-laden gourmet French sneaky snacks and big greasy steaks.
I had a dream this morning that Queen changed that "Bicycle" song to "Pigfucker," and Freddie Mercury was singing:

Pigfucker! Pigfucker!
I want to be a pigfucker,
I want to fuck my pig,
I want to be a pigfucker,
I want to fuck it well

I didn't bat an eye at the new lyrics, but eventually I thought, "Hey, isn't he dead?"
Where does this sort of shit come from? Maybe I don't really want to know.

MARCH 2000Frankenstein
Jay ....Though we may have wildly varying opinions on what to play for this party, I still am intrigued with the idea of performing a set of covers. This appeals to me on a few levels: One, is that if I can swing a relatively cheap hall rental, I will pay for it myself, so no one will have to pay to see us. This frees us from the economy of exchange; we are not obligated to deliver anything! Second, I think it would be an unusual experience for the people we've known over the years and have seen us enough to appreciate the effort we are making to embarrass ourselves.
Third, the variety of songs would span the entire spectrum from, "OH, SHIT YEAH !!! to OH, FUCK NO !!! And finally, this may be the only chance to do something like this.
So, if we want to pursue this, we'll have to think about what to re-learn and what, if any, we want to learn from scratch. With such limited time I guess doing Frankenstein is out of the question. If we choose to do a set of covers, and a set of originals that would be perfectly fine too. I just want to go on record as welcoming the opportunity to be an ardent bar band for one set.
Mark Although I think it might be pretty difficult to find the time to learn or re-learn covers in time for this party, I still would be into it. I think it would be a lot of fun, and as Jay said, probably our last chance to do something like that, something we've talked about for years. I really doubt this will be our last performance as a band, so I don't feel we have to worry about planning an appropriate set for a final show.
I guess if Brian is really busy this month this might hinge on his time resources. Or we could just make sure we learn a bunch of covers that have really easy one or two-note guitar parts for Brian. The rest of us could learn a really elaborate version of Frankenstein, and Brian could just dress up in a monster costume and crash around on stage with his arms outstretched forward.
Anne Honeys: the idea sounds really fun--and funny--but the harsh reality part of me stands up and announces: Today is March 1st, alright? How much can be learned in 30 days? (if this event is still occuring on 4/1 ?)
That said, I'd really like to do a Joy Division song.
Jay Frydee is okay with me too. Seeing that it's definite Brian will be lumbering around on stage monster-like crashing into everything, maybe Hugh could be the mad scientist pulling a bunch of levers and shit, fruitlessly trying to control Brian's spastic movements. While all this is going on Mark, Anne and I can pretend we're Rush and cover Frankenstein.
How about picking one or two new covers to learn? That should be manageable. I'd be into doing a Joy Division cover.
Hugh Jay's suggestion gave me a great idea... We should refit Brian with a bunch of servo-motors all linked to a control box at the base of his skull that's also hooked up to his muscle reflex ganglia. From the control box there will be old, frayed wires running to a joystick. Sometime during the performance we can hand the joystick over to the audience and see what sort of disaster or hilarity or disastrous hilarity ensues.
Anne you all r welcome to come over to my house for post pracky drinkee hangout.
Hugh You know, we have to be careful if we drink alcoholic beverages at Anne's tonight. I read in a book once that if you drink too much you become what they call "shitfaced," then you feel bad the next day (it's called a "hangover").
How do you guys feel about doing a cover of Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful," but changing it to "You Are So Noodleful" and making it about Larry Noodles? (Possible revelation: I was singing the Larry Noodles Chorus in the shower this morning and it occurred to me he might be xxxxxxxxxxx.)
One more thing before I let go of you: I awoke early Sunday morning with a word in my head I just HAD to write down before falling asleep again. It was so good I couldn't risk losing it forever. I stumbled around in that 90% dreaming/10% waking state and managed to find a pen and a piece of paper. Several hours later I woke up again and there on the floor in front of my clock in big block letters (so there was no possibility I'd overlook it) was the word "HIPPOTATOMUS."
I think hippotatomus is like those push-pin pigs you can make with an eraser. It's a plastic a hippo head, some legs and a tail you can stick into a baked potato. I suppose you could mush them into a pile of mashed potatoes if you wanted, but it wouldn't be as effective. Don't you think kids would love having hippotatomus for dinner?

 Lumpy Ass Water and Other Moving Refreshments
Brian Is it possible for some or all to help us move for an hour or two on the day that you planned to move the stuff from the practice space? I could help move the practice space stuff too. We would provide ample refeshments and lots of dog-tongue. I don't know what night or day you decided on doing the move because Rick was talking to me again. He's weird.
Jay I'll come help too. My specialty when it comes to moving is delegating out difficult tasks to others. You need people like me around for efficiency. Also, I'd like to know what refreshments are going to be served before I give you a definite answer.
Brian Lukewarm Dog's Ass Tea, Lumpy Ass water, Icy Muck, Pidgeon Juice, and other deliciosities! But I still don't know when you were going to move the space. When was that going to be?
Mark What, no bingus?!!??
Brian Bingus may be almost everything - but it ain't no drink.
Hugh I like both 'Time Goes So Slow' and 'So Much Time' as titles for b-rep. In fact, I like them a lot. Strange I've overlooked them, as I've gone over the lyrics a billion times to see about using one of the lines as a title -- and there aren't that many lines. Duh. Double-dumbass on me. Now, if I can just decide which one to pick... They both have their merits. (This just goes to show, yet again, that there's nothing easy about any aspect of this song where I'm concerned, the fucking bastard. Good thing it's a good song or I'd lop its little nards off and make an omelet out of them. Then I'd feed it to the rats.)
I'm not too concerned about the lack of binguses, but I can't believe there won't be any croihambwibges. How can that be? How can you overlook the sambwibge that's synonymous with 'of course!' Not only that, but what are we going to pack into all your empty ham sandwich pockets before you move them to the new house? Lumpy Ass Water? Hmmmph. I'd like to see that.
I'm going home now.
Brian The sad fact is, I'm up to my ears in LUMPY ASS WATER. I inherited 2,500lbs of old U.S.Army LUMPY ASS WATER from my dad. We arranged this whole thing just to try to get people to soak it up because its so damn illegal to dump it these days. I knew that if we provided binguses and croihambwibges at the move-in, people would just be dipping them in the ASS WATER, leaving me with hundreds of pounds of damp LUMP. Its even more illegal to dispose of that crap and, I must confess, there's no way I'm going eat it all. I feel ashamed.

 Anne's Strange Husband
Anne Do you guys get my emails when I send to the group? Just wondering, since no one's commented on my comments about song titles.
Brian I have never gotten an email from Anne. Has anyone else? Has anyone ever met or talked to her husband Rick? He's one strange ranger!
Mark I haven't met this Rick fellow, but I did call Anne on the telephone once, and I think it must have been her husband who answered; however, he said his name was "Horst the Stenchberry Wizard", and he tried to sell me a subscription to the periodical "Smelly, Fruity Teutonic Mysticism". Could that have been this alleged "Rick" person?

MAY 2000Bitch-Slap Catfight
Anne For this thurs meeting: how about 8:30pm at Casa Nova?
Brian I'm ok with that. Lets invite Jay just to be mean.
Hugh Let's invite Greg Freeman and tell him every mean and nasty thing we've ever said about him behind his back. Or invite Greg and Gibbs and in the meantime tell each how the other totally slagged his engineering acumen so they'll get into a bitch-slap catfight when they see each other.
I like telling lies that pit people against eachother.
Brian This is old news Hugh. Greg has been saying this about you for years.
Hugh That pigfucker. We'll see how well he stands up to BOTH Gibbs and I when his comeuppance arrives Thursday.

JULY 2000Bastille Day
Mark Hey Hugh,
Hope you're having a happy Dead Frenchman day, and congratulations on reaching the highest age anyone ever reaches (you are 39 now right?). This next year could last another 60 years!

Don't fill up on poop,
Crurlge Vurnk

Hugh Hi Crurlge,
Thanks for the Bastille Day greetings. It's nice that you remembered, considering how much we both hate those Frog pricks and their snooty foreign ways. I celebrated the holiday in my usual fashion: with a bottle of Pernod, a Charles DeGaulle target and lots of automatic weapons fire, then a collect call to France to tell their women to bathe instead of trying to cover up their body odor with fancy perfumes (and to shave their legs and armpits, for godsakes, while they're at it), along with my annual reminder that they'd be saying escargots, camembert and dijonaise in German if it weren't for the good ol' US of fucking A (a.k.a. the good ol' US of kicking kraut Ass). You'd think somebody whose Merlot-soaked fat was pulled out of the fire not just once, but twice, would remember this salient fact, but they seem to have forgotten how we saved them from being tossed onto the Louis the Sixteenth Memorial Merde-heap of History. To express my disdain for their lack of appreciation, I managed to sneak my old, treasured photo of Edith Piaf giving me a blowjob as I flip off the camera with both hands onto the cover of Paris Match, with an accompanying feature article that quotes her saying she gargled quarts of jizz daily to achieve her signature vocal sound; a regimen she so relished she'd have followed it even if it wasn't necessary. That'll learn them goddamm Frogs. And if it doesn't, I still have those color photos of Marcel Marceau and Jerry Lewis taking it up the ass by mandrills for future covers.
It just so happens that Bastille Day is also my birthday. I didn't celebrate on the day itself, as I was first too busy with my festivities, then too worn out by them. But I did treat myself to a few recording items the following day -- a Russian microphone and a German mixing board. Hopefully my words won't get all screwed up when I record them; translated into Russian by the mic, then from Russian to German as it passes through the board. Who knows what kind of nonsensical crap would result? I'll be really pissed if my beautiful and beautifully crafted lyrics get replaced by propaganda exalting the Nazi-Soviet Pact in a language I can't even understand. I expressed this concern to the store clerk and she assured me it that it not only won't happen, but CAN'T . I told her she had better be right or I will return both items. My other concern is that furthering my engineering knowledge (albeit only marginally) will somehow expose me to the Freeman Effect; that I will end up a chronic drunk, projectile vomiting all over the place. I don't think I could live with that. You must promise you will have me euthanized if I become irretrievably Freemanoid.
Counting on you,

DECEMBER 2000Commie Lyrics
Mark All right, bear with me. I have listed a good portion of our lyrics on the website. I got them from the album notes. HOWEVER, some of our albums don't have the lyrics. The anal completist in me would like to get as many of those unpublished lyrics on the site as possible. In fact, I think those lyrics are even more useful on the site precisely because they're not available elsewhere.
SO...I'm pleading with all of you to help provide me with lyrics that I can add to the site. Here is what I believe is missing at this point. I have tried to remember who wrote the lyrics of each song and have listed them accordingly. I would be be very thankful to any of you who could send me your lyrics. It's the least you can do after all the work I've put into this, RIGHT? hint hint guilt guilt THANKS!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! (song list follows...)
Hugh Oh, come on... everybody knows Thinking Fellers never had this many songs, let alone this many with so-called "lyrics." Last time I checked, we only ever played three songs and they were all instrumental covers (Telstar, Spanish Flea and Muskrat Love). This is obviously some sort of trap, you monkey-eating commie cannibal bastard.
Go back to Russia and tell your uncle, Joseph Stalin, to go to hell.
Brian Hugh's right again Mark, you fucked-up, bitch-ass, motherfucker. Screw you and your cocksucker.
Mark My motherfucker's bitch-ass cannibal asshole is screwed so much deeper into Stalin's muskrat that I can't even believe how many commie songs we have. If you imperialist grout-licking nut-hummer nitwits would stop jumping on my back I could be typing my recommendations to Castro for having his troops cut off all your balls and shoving them up into the nostrils of your dead's head after I have kicked your plump asses out of the millenium. You asswipes - you are assholes!!
Hugh Say, Mark, that wasn't nice at all. Brian and I were just trying to help you with our compassionate anti-commie-cannibal conservatism. How are we going to heal the partisan divisions in the band if you're spewing that kind of hateful rhetoric? Tsk tsk!